I Go Back

I go back to so many places; to the faces, smells, and sounds that light up my mind in the most electric way.

When I think of all the specifics, I love in my life. So much of that love can be traced back to the past, to a memory. I’m a sucker for nostalgia. There’s something magical that forms inside our souls when we travel back to simpler, happy times…even times of heartbreak.

My childhood was filled with magic! I grew up with animals all around, spent hours outside picking dandelions, made potions from wild berries, and was reminded constantly that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I grew up in Ohio and Virginia. Virginia was heaven … I’ll get to Ohio in a minute. We had freedom to roam and for me, my brother, sister, and all our neighborhood friends, that was everything we needed. Every time my mind goes back to our cul-de-sac at Quarters T-1, my heart grows a little bit.

To be honest, I was only there a few years, but it still feels like home. It’s where I found my love of life; it’s where I learned to be the happy-go-lucky, over-achieving, somewhat shy, nature-loving girl that I am. I was so happy there. Typing this out now, my mind goes back to specific days that were just fucking amazing. I miss that place so much. Knowing that I’ll never have that moment again in my life hurts my heart. I’m lucky I had those memories, to have lived in a place I loved so much that it weighs on my heart to remember. I truly can’t think of a better place to fill up my memory files.

Now onto Ohio, woof. It wasn’t all bad. We got to be with family, nearly everyday, and watch our cousins grow. We got to be with our grandparents in the last chapters of their lives. I’m forever grateful for that. Our home, our yard, our summers spent swimming in the lake and watching 4th of July fireworks glisten in the still water was magical. I so miss that. I miss having a “home” to go home to. I miss having a family that was whole.

With these memories, I’m also brought back to a lot of painful nostalgia. It was a time when I didn’t fit in at school, I was the constant outsider, and I turned into a very lonely shell of a person. The place where Daddy spent the whole time in Afghanistan, and where he and Mamma divorced. That still shoots through my heart, eleven years later. Some things you don’t get over, but you accept them as they were.

Hot pavement under my feet, Dixie Chicks and Kenny Chesney cds, gasoline near a marina - they all bring me back to such happy places. I’ll sit in those today instead of the alternative.

Letting myself sink back to my yesterdays brings many different emotions. It’s a mind game. Good or bad, nostalgia always plays one of the most important roles in my life. It shapes who I am today. It’s constant. I hope you can take a trip down memory lane and fill your heart with some of the most wonderful moments of your life so far. I promise you, there are so many more to come.