Life Is Happening For You, Not To You
I was under the impression for much too long that life was happening to me, not for me. Every challenge or hardship or heartache felt like a punishment. Even bright moments weren’t enjoyable because I felt like something was around the corner waiting to dim them back down. I walked through life with a storm cloud above my head, feeling like a victim of unfortunate circumstance.
I told myself this narrative over and over and over. It was oddly comforting — self-pity. If you expect bad things to happen, it’s not as painful when they come. The only problem was they kept coming and after a while, it seemed inevitable. Of course, that’s to be expected. We all will experience tough times. But, not all of us will live in a toxic mindset about the purpose they serve.
Recently, I’ve shifted my mindset to see tough times or frustrating moments or unhappy emotions as opportunities to learn. They serve a clear purpose for me now. I see it as a chance to take pause and check in with myself. It’s in these moments when I discover new coping skills, try new calming activities, or I take notice of what movies, songs, and books give me comfort. So, though I’m not feeling my best, I am still growing and evolving as a person. I’m not staying stagnant, feeling sad and alone.
There’s a scene in Little Miss Sunshine that depicts this perfectly. Steve Carell’s character, Frank, is listening to his teenage nephew rant about how much he hates high school. In response, Frank references Marcel Proust as an example of a “loser” who is also in his opinion, “the best writer since Shakespeare.” According to Frank, Marcel shared that, “…all those years he was happy [were a] total waste. Didn't learn a thing.” Frank continues, “so, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school — those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that” (Little Miss Sunshine).
That message resonates with me to this day. Suffering teaches you things and running away from it holds you back from learning something really valuable. It’s an important part of life, just as much as pleasure and happiness. Perhaps even more essential. If we see tough experiences in life as foundational building blocks, it’s obvious how essential they are because you have to have a strong foundation from which you can build an empire.
Seeing my life as something that is designed for me energized me much more than when I saw it as a sad, unlucky string of things happening to me. Shifting my mindset to finding purpose in every moment — the good, bad, and ugly — was so helpful. Hard things still happen and they still hurt. But now, I grasp the bigger picture and I’m grateful for the lessons I get to learn because of them.
